Kooks: A glance at the species.
Have you ever really sat back and taken a look at how many different kinds of kooks there is. Well if you haven’t, sit back and I will see if I can fill you in on our growing breed, surfus kookus. The first of our breed is the fat balding middle age office worker, otherwise known as fattus mal riderus. He’s the bloke you see sitting out the back coughing and wheezing due to lack of fitness thanks to all those business lunches. He started 3yrs ago cause it was cool but still can only just stand up, danger rating 8/10, stay clear could run you over. Next is the bloke who gave up when short boards came in, but started again when they reinvented the dinosaurs known as the modern mal. Oldus legendus is one of the most dangerous kooks with a 9/10 rating because he thinks he still rips but as we all know that was 20yrs ago and all he is now is a bloody nuisance. Sitting out the back taking all the sets frustrating all the shortboarders, easily recognised by his webbed paddling gloves, hooded peak cap and brightly coloured 9ft plus mal, easily fixed with a well timed fade into the pit. Our next breed is the spoiltus rich kiddus, you know the one you went to school with who had the best stuff that you always tried to steal. The kid with the new wettie, board, and all the accessories but still couldn’t quite get it right, always the crab, but you still envied him cause he had the lot, that was until you got better and started getting free stuff, then he was just the kook you hassled again, still seen at most beaches getting dropped off by mum in the merc. A species commonly found on the Gold Coast is the Europeanus backpackerus otherwise known as Sven and Helga. Easily spotted as they hang in groups with brightly coloured plumage and have a leader known as the tour guide, he supplies the rubber surfboards and the bus, hated by surfers everywhere as they crowd and clog up even the most peaceful surfspots, must be avoided at all costs, danger rating 7/10. This next lot usually contains a few Europeanus backpackerus, they are the surf school pupils otherwise known as lostus sheepus usually led by the coach otherwise known as learnus from bookus, somewhat like the blind leading the blind. Easily recognised by rubber surfboards and same coloured wetshirts, be careful they hang in packs and have been known to take over and terrorize a whole peak on a one foot shorey easily avoided as they can be spotted a mile away, danger rating 6/10. A rare species these days is the rather large bloke who is always on the inside, otherwise known as steroidus abuserus, easily spotted as he is usually wearing sluggo’s and rides a mini mal, stay clear, danger rating 10/10, even looking at this monster can cause severe damage to your head, he is only out there for a fight because he can’t surf, he is a kook. So he is jealous of anyone who can surf and will proceed to take any wave he wants and harass anyone he pleases. Easily stopped by getting local karate expert to fade him, always an interesting start to the surf, be careful out there. A very popular species these days is the Dinosaurus malriderus they are everywhere in plague proportions and some sort of culling program must be introduced to slow the species. On the beachies and at the points just generally getting in the way of real surfing, now these are guys who only ride mals, nothing else, how closed minded. A true surfer can ride anything, I am guilty of having a mal in my quiver, but I also have 6 shortboard’s and a couple of single fins, there is nothing wrong with riding a mal just don’t limit yourselves you old farts. If you were seen on a shortboard occasionally you might not get hassled so much by the young crew, so get out there and have a go. Coming up next we have our Japanese friends otherwise known as wigglus over the fallus, always smiling and saying sorry, they are really hard to go off at as they fall out of the lip onto your head. They come up smiling and apologising profusely, as you prepare to drive them into next week, you can’t, haven’t they already suffered enough just being them, danger rating 8/10 only because of the impalement factor, can always be located driving old rusted out Fords or Holdens, and usually have badly bleached hair to make them look more like surfies, well wouldn’t you if you had the same hair as your mates, male or female. Just remember it’s all good fun and we were all kooks once, we all fit in somewhere.